April 7, 2017
For the first time I wrote this post in real time… wasn’t having to trace back what happened or what I did. Was so refreshing!
I am so lonely today. Clearly the cosmos, or the Camino if you will, really wants me to be alone. I passed only 3 pilgrims today and all at the end. My albergue is almost empty– not really complaining about that though!
Ever since I arrived On El Camino, I have either been around pilgrims, talking with my Camino family, or talking with family/friends back home. I have yet to really be alone because I hate to be alone. I knew going into this journey that was a soft spot, a weakness if you will. I still had not addressed it or really worked on improving that. I replaced my missing my friends/family with constant contact with other pilgrims.
And here I am, crying in my bed because I am alone. I can’t stop thinking “BUT THIS IS WHAT IM HERE FOR!! WHY AM I SO SAD??” I have been avoiding addressing this issue with myself. You see, this issue fed into why Jamey and I broke up back up in February. I am struggle with this instinctive, reactive behavior. I became so dependent on others, so reliant on company that my ex couldn’t breathe. I suffocated his individuality with my codependency. Which led to other issues of course and ultimately to our separation. And here I am relying on other pilgrims to keep me company, just like I relied on my ex.
I am trying to practice acceptance while not getting mad at myself. It’s a hard balance.
Today wasn’t about the scenary or the people. It was about me, it was about my inner struggle with accepting my current life situation. I am staying in a very small town tonight and will be going to another very small town tomorrow. So basically I better get used to being alone. With “loneliness” I am very much looking forward to the space to pray and connect with the cosmos.
Alas, here are some photos of my day:
Began my day saying goodbye to Stephanie from Canada and Michel from Germany. Stephanie is going home as she only had a few weeks allotted for her trip. Michel decided to take a bus and will be a couple towns ahead of me now. So had one last, classic camino breakfast with them!
My camera must have done this but either way, it turned out to be a beautiful photo!
My albergue for the night, a couple pilgrims have joined the room but it’s still a ghost town!
-Ashley
El Camino Chronicles 
Your strength is amazing Ashley. Keep that positive mindset and everything will keep working itself out for you. Make every day about you, because you deserve some time for yourself. And you’re an incredible person to be alone with. 😊
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Really enjoying reading about your fabulous trip. We are proud of you and wish you safe travels
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