April 20, 2017
The day started out wonderfully as I woke up feeling less pressure in my chest and refreshed after a good night of sleep. I felt great the rest of the day as well. So great I ended up hiking 5km more than originally planned. I was only going to go 23.7 km but felt solid so kept on going. The effort was much rewarded when I got to the top and saw the view. The town I stayed in was nestled in between a panoramic view of the mountains around me.
I gotta be honest, I am really feeling depressed. Realizing the Camino is almost over and I will be returning to Portland in a matter of weeks terrifies me. I am resisting the reality around me. I am struggling to even enjoy the beautiful surroundings. I am too caught up worrying about missing my new friends. I am also dreading having to go back to “work.” I am not looking forward to that routine. I am finding myself being so negative. I dread the future.
While watching the sunset I had an impactful conversation with this guy named Christian, from Spain. He helped me realize I came to the Camino alone, on purpose, and yet I rarely ever find myself alone. Except for a couple of days in the Meseta, I have always been around friends. I have been consumed either explaining why I am here, talking about my past or goals for future, or supporting other people as they offer up their struggles. Those 2 days I was alone in the Meseta provided more inner growth than the other 3 weeks. Realizing this brought up a lot of guilt. Feeling like I just wasted the past 3+ weeks stuck in the same patterns I was in at home, depending on other people to give my life purpose.
I basically decided I was going to honor myself, to develop boundaries and find the inner PEACE I am trying to discover on this pilgrimage. I find it hard to tell people I want to hike alone, I feel rude. But I also realize I need to have healthier boundaries, otherwise I will come to resent the people around me.
I am going to plan my albergues, plan my days only with myself. One thing Christian does that I love is he always starts his days hiking alone. He takes this time to soak in his surroundings to help further solidify the realization that he is never actually alone. There is always nature, always the spirit of God, around him.
I find that to be my biggest struggle right now– feeling the spirit of God, feeling alone even though I’m not. I have barely any energy and I feel completely void of joy— not because I’m sick (well not entirely, I’m sure it’s a part of it) but mainly because my soul is screaming “STOP AVOIDING WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO DO!!”
So here I am putting it out into the world with the intention to finish this Camino honoring my intention for doing this Camino. Doesn’t mean I can’t be with people but I need to be honest when I am clinging to them to avoid working on myself.
It tears me apart to know I am going to probably have to separate from friends and especially my little brother, Michel. My body cannot handle the long hike they will be doing to arrive Wednesday (I will probably arrive Thursday) Or at least I can’t count on my body to endure them. But alas, saying goodbye is something I’ll have to face at some point, and that might be today.
Sorry for the emotional post, today was a bit emotional for me– so only fitting my post follows suit!
Will post more later… hopefully in better spirits! 🙏🏼
Beautiful sunrise over the hill
Very strange trees, assuming this was done for a treatment of some sorts?
These little reminders are a treat along the way…
A sweet little tree. A beautiful idea…
Climbing felt so good!
The view! So rewarding
The town I stayed in had these cute little huts!
The town, so much stone work!
Was able to watch the sun set, which may not have been the best idea… sitting in the cold wind wasn’t a great idea for my cold but so worth it!
Dinner with some lovely folks 😍
-Ashley
El Camino Chronicles 